A Lesbian's Journey Through Trauma

Sometimes you have to laugh so you don't cry.

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I’m finding my voice through writing. I’m trying to use my skills to not only grow internally, but hopefully with my passion to turn my written skills into a career.

  • A Lesbian’s Journey Through Trauma

    Growth in Love

    After my previous break-up, I decided I was going to choose being single. This felt better than chasing the ghost of love. My fear of pain was far greater than my fear of dying alone.

    It is a common misconception to wonder if every relationship was a lie. Some people think that love was never there in the first place. What I have grown to understand, is that it had been love. A different kind. A less mature love. Each and every heartache leads you to strive for more…better.

    Now I’m not saying that love is immature. I’m saying that love creates growth in personal preferences, boundaries, and self. With each setback we learn what we will and won’t accept with someone. Being alone by yourself is so much easier than being alone with someone in close quarters.

    Some of the pain I’ve put myself through had created a barrier. Far stronger than a wall. Where I would have normally tried harder, I quit. I quit on someone who didn’t deserve to be carrying a burden alone. Someone who was trying to love me the best way they knew how.

    Yet, they pushed for change within me when they were not willing to do so themselves.

    Growth in career is not growth in a person. This doesn’t make you more successful in your emotional and mental stability. It was hard to see any concern for the requests being made when it felt one-sided.

    There is no doubt that I had and still have work to do. No matter how I’ve been made to feel, no one deserves to feel it in return. I am not karma, I am not the deciding factor into how someone should feel. I am however, the deciding factor in how I treat people no matter the circumstance. You shut me out…I either make a choice to stay or leave. If I choose to stay, I need to do what I can to make things better…set boundaries.

    My lack of boundaries has led me to the place I’m in now. The main source of heartache was caused by me. I never felt like I was good enough…I settled for less than I probably deserved.

    Forcing myself to be solitary for almost two years, it has taught me a lot. I grew to appreciate the sun, the moon, the clouds, the peace. When my ex left for Florida, our efforts to maintain a relationship pretty much died. I held on to a lot of hurt for a decision I was no part of…she felt a lot of hurt because I refused to go.

    What started as a long-distance relationship, ended as one. Yet the efforts to keep a closeness were far less than the first time. Our conversation had died, turned one-sided. What we had was done well before the move and I know we both felt it.

    When someone walks away the first time, believe it. When someone tells you to move out because you make a choice for your greater good…listen. Relationships are not all or nothing, they are communication…balance. We both felt like we had given something up to be together, and I believe now that it was ourselves. She chose to move to Georgia and I chose to not move to Florida. Neither of us were happy in those prospective areas. I knew I’d be even more alone at that point. I was afraid to speak on boundaries. I knew nothing would change with how I felt.

    I make no excuses for where I’ve been wrong in every failed relationship. Shutting down, staying too long, allowing specific negative treatment, accepting less than. Patterns that run many years back, they have created a withdrawn feeling.

    Over the course of the last two years I have been in and out of therapy. Now going seven months strong, consistently. For the first time in my entire life I feel good. I never imagined knowing a mind without dread and sadness. I never imagined smiling and feeling the happiness run through my veins. That’s not to say that I still don’t FEEL things on an intense level…but it’s now no longer all bad.

    My moves in life are calculated and sure. I’m willing to stand up for what I deserve and believe in. For the right person, I can be all in.

    This seems so very unfair to “M”…but what we had was a lesson to grow with. For once I’ve allowed myself to feel my feelings and stop suppressing what hurts. I am forever grateful to the love we had and the lessons she taught me. I know our relationship is one that I can still hold close. It represents the good that I took away from it.

    We don’t belong together…but I hope that we taught each other something extremely valuable. Something that will prove beneficial for the next time.

    I swore off love, so I thought. Learning to love myself and be whole in solitude…it has made me realize I can give more of me than I ever had. I no longer have to chase a feeling, but just be open to receive. Something that has been immensely difficult for me in all these years. Receiving felt forced, it made me feel unworthy. It made me question how real it was. Had I been sure of myself, I would have been open to what was being given to me.

    Who’s to say that what was being given and my lack of willingness to receive, wasn’t me subconsciously protecting myself. I’ll never know. I believe my intuition is dead on in my life…and I’m very careful of the steps I make. In the same breath, I will go all in with the sense of taking a risk that could backfire. I believe I will always be that way…but now I have the tools to do it right or step away if it isn’t.

    These past lessons have built a better me. The hurt I experienced will never outweigh the hope I have for something permanent. Something healthy. Something definite.

    Growth in love should always be an outcome. We should stop repeating cycles and bringing old emotional baggage into something that doesn’t deserve it. You don’t have to come fully healed. You just need to be willing to open yourself to possibilities. These possibilities could heal you over time.

    The right person can heal your fears and show you what you’ve been missing. Don’t swear it off…don’t push it away…even if it’s not meant to work out. You will still have another lesson to learn and another chapter ahead.

    What if this is the final chapter…one that will expand hundreds of pages until the very end? The climax that you reach that will even out in a lifetime of peace and joy? Why say no?

  • A Lesbian’s Journey Through Trauma

    To Those of Us Who Fail to Take Accountability

    You’re going to wake up one day and realize that she’s done trying. This wasn’t a decision that was made lightly. Nor was it a decision that was made out of nowhere.

    She gave you everything. She was more than happy just to have you next to her. She only expected your love and honesty in return. When you were at your lowest, she stepped up to put your pieces together…all while breaking apart inside. She saw all of the good behind your flaws. She loved you even when you became a person she was not familiar with.

    While you were hurting her. She was covering for you with the kindest words. Protecting you from the view of others. She sat silently in her tears while you became less supportive of her emotions. She believed in you, fighting for the person she once knew.

    This wasn’t something that happened overnight. Things were great at first, weren’t they? Love was intense, it was solid, it was beautiful. You could communicate freely and easily. You got each other. You saw each other. Where did that all change though? When did you stop being the loyal and reliable partner she had to start begging for?

    Were you ever that person or did you just take her heart by storm and shatter it under false pretenses?

    There will never be an answer for that. It’s not quite as easy as it should be. Change in people is inevitable. Failing to communicate in a relationship when you have been able to all along, that’s by choice. You don’t hide from someone you actually love. You don’t allow that person to sit in silence second guessing themselves and their worth. You don’t allow them to have to sit and make assumptions as to how you feel and what they can do to make things better.

    It’s not for them to fix. It is for you to fix. You can’t expect them to save you and understand you when you give them crumbs. Those crumbs are still keeping them dangling behind you while you drag them down and cut them to the bone.

    Yet, while they stay by your side in silence. Hoping you will return and that everything that was going wrong was just a horrible nightmare. They are gaining the strength to choose themselves and to heal from the hurt and damage you’ve caused.

    You can’t see that though, you are caught up in your own world and what makes you happy. You are teaching them to be without you and to thrive without you. They have no choice.

    One day they are going to slip away from that tight grip you had on them. You will be left stuck, standing in your self pity. Why? Well, because you never wanted to take accountability for where things were wrong. They were willing to fight for you because that relationship was worth it. They were willing to make any necessary changes for YOU to be comfortable. But you weren’t…were you?

    Their decision to walk away was not made easily. Yet you gave them all of the reasons to not stay because you weren’t going to return. Not only that, you weren’t going to return to rebuild what you broke. You wanted to bandage it loosely and get what still made you happy. Their feelings weren’t considered at all…and for how long?

    When did consistency become such a task that you sit back and act like it’s impossible? Then beg for just a little more time, a little more love, a little more of their soul. Yet you’re not willing to give something in return. A genuine apology, change, accountability. The offer to earn their trust back. You want THEM to meet you half way when they’ve been going beyond the distance for you for too long.

    Sometimes it’s best, yet hard, to let go for each of you to move on. It was never meant to be if hurt had to be a final result.

    I know all too well. While I’ve felt the pain of being cheated on or abused (verbally/emotionally)…I’ve caused pain. I learned the hard way that my words were not worth a second chance, my actions were stuck. She didn’t deserve that…and she was right in walking away. Yet I learned to not chase because if we were meant to be we would have been. Neither of us were accountable for who we became in the end. I didn’t deserve her and she didn’t deserve me again.

    She deserves someone who can give her what she needs. I need to fix patterns I found myself in for my future. I deserve someone who is going to be consistent. I want the chance to prove that I am not who I was. I am not my mistakes.

    If you are sitting in front of someone who is crying out for help. Who is asking for you to talk to them. Who is willing to bleed so that you can heal. Don’t fuck that up. If you can’t be an emotionally mature individual…let them go. You are going to cause significant harm. It will take them too long to realize you were never good for them. You were just around for a reason. The next time love comes around for them, they are going to be afraid of being burned.

    Karma hit me. It hit me all at once. Waves and waves of emotions for longer than I would have ever allowed. All I know is that I never want to be that person again…and I have to forgive myself. I don’t need her forgiveness nor do I need her apologies for her part. I have accepted my part and have worked for who I am and want to be.

    It is OK to admit that you are falling apart. It’s OK to ask for help as well. It is human to admit fault and correct your path. Just don’t wait until it’s too late. They will be gone. You will feel confused. It’s your fault that you caused the world to fall apart underneath them. Don’t act surprised…own up to it and fix it for the next person that you don’t need to fuck up.

  • A Lesbian’s Journey Through Trauma

    The Difference Between a Mistake and an Intentional Pattern

    Something I once read, talked about a mistake in love being inevitable. How a mistake being made is not a reflection of how someone feels about you. We are all human and we fuck up sometimes.

    And when I talk about mistakes, I’m not referring to blatant lies, cheating, or a raised hand.

    I am talking about doing something that unintentionally hurts a person. Let’s say someone comes to you and says, you know what…what you did really hurt me. Or, I feel like this when you do that.

    You have to listen. You have to be present. If someone feels safe enough to open up about their pain that you are causing…pay the fuck attention.

    What you choose to do from there is where you label your action as a mistake or consistent intention.

    If you apologize with empty words, that forever sticks. Because that person may let it go several more times. Yet, once they seem to notice a pattern. They start to keep score. They eventually get tired of trying to help heal you. To help you see their pain.

    Eventually, the person who has fought for, nurtured, and been the guiding force to a relationship…they are done. No amount of apologies and accountability can take away the fact that you chose yourself over and over again. The trust in an apology or another chance is shot.

    This is never to say love isn’t there in most of these instances, but to say that you choose to love someone less than they have deserved all this time. It also says you weren’t meant to be. That’s not your person. The fire has completely burned out.

    Now there is a possibility that at any point you may find your way back to a person once you’ve both done some growing apart. But you have to always know that what you change about yourself should be for you and how the fact you agree that the issue is there. Don’t ever make changes you aren’t ready for or accountable for. You will fall back into old patterns.

    Really, what I mean to say is. If you can’t be the person that is needed and refuse to grow and mature. Step aside for someone to come along and love them more. It’s the most selfless thing you can do. Letting go is a bitch. Holding on is a slow and painful death. Which would you choose?

    As I start to see more and more reality of things, I do understand why people say actions speak louder than words. While I’m great with my words, my actions will always match that of someone I love or care for. I have a lot to give and if I feel as though it is being reciprocated…you will always have that. However I have been at fault for reciprocating angst and disconnect to a point where it stays that way.

    The most selfless thing I did was to let it go after trying. If I wanted to when we were together, the effort would have been more clear. The communication more loud. It was not meant to be and I should have let her go sooner.

    Make your mistakes, learn from them. Don’t make a pattern out of those mistakes to the point where someone has to walk away to choose them over you. Because they will absolutely deserve to do so.

    It’s a small count down to Christmas. I’m sure I’ll try to write again before. Until then…blessed be the fruit. 🤣

  • A Lesbian’s Journey Through Trauma

    What are your Deal Breakers in Romantic Relationships? List them in Order of Importance.

    Before I start writing and getting into my list. I must mention that I have been guilty of some of these things and they hold true to me. Things I need to change in the future and learn better ways to go about them. Let me say that it is a given to expect loyalty, faithfulness, respect, and trust. Those should be standard expectations from ANYONE. Friends, family, love. This list is deeper than that.

    I will put an asterisks beside of ones that I can call myself out on

    1. Healthy expression of needs. We all have things we need and want out of a relationship. It gets tricky when we have an unhealthy way of communicating them. Even though it’s a woman dating woman experience. We are not mind readers. I need direct expression. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don’t hide behind anger that comes out towards something else. Don’t tell me you’re fine when you aren’t. Please tell me what you need and I’ll do everything I can to make it happen.**
    2. Do as I say, not as I do. Please do not get upset with me for something that I’ve seen you do. Something I have experienced you doing as well. I feel this is disrespectful that I am expected to uphold different standards than someone else. We are an equal partnership. I support you when you can’t give 100%. I hope you would do the same for me if I can’t give my all.
    3. You will not hold my depression against me. I’ll never hide who I am or what I’ve been through. My unsuccessful journey in therapy…until now. If I hit a low, I sometimes ride that low longer than I want. If you just want to love the best parts of me, I’m not for you. I will never say you knew who I was. I’m many things. Many emotions. I come with ups and downs and am not always the best girlfriend. It never means that I don’t love someone, it means I show up differently. If we ever find ourselves in a huge rut, please know that sometimes I can’t notice. No matter how much healing I do. Don’t let me shut down, let’s talk. But please don’t walk away when I need you the most.

    I can go on for hours about this topic but will stop at 3. I know I have faults that can cross a line of being a deal breaker. Today alone I’m back in my guilty stage. This seems to be how it goes. One great week, one rough week. I’m stuck in my head wondering what it would be like to love again.

    My smoking was a deal breaker. My smoking is also linked to my stress. I smoke more and eat less. But now I’m not smoking, yet I am stuffing my face more than I’d like. I got down to 140 pounds after the break-up…but my appetite is back. I smoked to suppress my feelings, it’s a shitty excuse and a gross one. I tried so hard to give her what she begged me for. The smoking should have been easier than it was to find the job.

    All I ever really want is someone to see me when I’m all the way down. To help me out of the darkness if I fall into it. It’s up to me to work on that now, to make it easier to recognize so I don’t need saving. Depression is not always easy to fight against and there is never a 100% guarantee I’ll not shut down again. I just want to be held and told it’s going to be OK. That someone isn’t going to go anywhere. We’ll get through this together. I have always been able to give this to someone, I just want it in return.

    Right now I’m working to make myself better overall.

    I have so much work to do. I’m unsure why I’m even discussing deal breakers. Realistically I think love is all about respect. Learning communication in the best ways possible. Growing together, even if unevenly. Patience. Tenderness. Compassion. Genuine and true love. Be good to the ones you love. Don’t let a day go by without telling your significant other how you feel. Good or bad. But never fail to show and tell them you love them in between it all.

    Don’t make the same mistakes I have. Hold on to them as tight as possible, not in a suffocating way. Listen when they are hurting. Do what you can to fix it. Communicate what may not be working fast enough. Be the partner to them that you expect them to be to you. STOP throwing shit away because you want and expect perfection. Live by the 80/20 rule and find Mrs. Good Enough not Mrs. Perfect.

    Stop finding faults in someone who is good to you. If it’s something that is a hard NO for you…don’t lead them on. This is why early and deep communication is important. Make everything you want known up front.

    Keep showing up however you can!

    Love is hard, but loneliness is even harder.

  • A Lesbian’s Journey Through Trauma

    Day 1 – I Am Thankful for Tennessee

    Hear me out…I know you were expecting me to say that I am thankful for someone or something. I am saving those for later.

    This time I want to say that I am beyond grateful for a place I call home. Granted I am a firm believer that home is where the heart is. At the same time, visiting Tennessee brings me so much peace. Where I live in Georgia reminds me of parts of Tennessee, but it’s not always the same.

    When I lived in Tennessee last, I left after going through some really bad times. Tennessee is where I went through my first relationship with a woman…experienced some of the worst trauma I’ve carried with me my whole life. Yet this is how and where I’ve grown.

    Tennessee is where I had my first real adult best friend who I still hold very close to my heart. She was a true blessing during my hardest times and I’ve seen her go through a bunch of those too. She only judged me a little.

    As a kid, Tennessee is where my entire family met up every year in the great Smokey Mountains. Family reunions were all the cousins, grand parents, aunts, uncles, and even some 2nd and 3rd cousins. Every summer break we got together as a very close knit family. I will never forget it.

    Tennessee is where my Nannie and Pappaw are buried in our family cemetery. Right across the mountain from Kentucky.

    Tennessee is where I fell in love with women’s basketball. And 40 years later I’m still watching them. Now everyone of the players looks like kids to me. Back in the day they looked like adults. I’ve watched some legends play. Chamique Holdsclaw and Candace Parker were two of them. A powerhouse coach, the Pat Summit. My dad took me to several of the SEC tournaments and I have been so grateful for those experiences. I’ll never forget.

    While Tennessee holds some really dark moments…some of the darkest of my life. It equally holds some of my happiest moments. As a kid, before my depression began to grow deeper.

    Now Tennessee holds a different beauty for me. It is where my brother and I go every fall or winter. It holds a different joy now. I may struggle to get my ass out of the house at any given moment. But I am in my least stressful moment when I am there.

    Would I move back? Absolutely! However now I will just go where life takes me. Love or career. No matter where I am, I will always find my way back to Tennessee.

    I look forward to this weekend, back in Tennessee.

  • A Lesbian’s Journey Through Trauma

    Hey Ya’ll!

    Buckle up, I have decided to start blogging instead of journaling. My story and life can definitely resonate with someone out there. You may very well need something to relate to. My story is definitely as big of a mess as my mind is.

    Forewarning, I can be all over the place with my thoughts, but hey…it will keep you guessing.

    I use humor to deal with depression. I take medicine (yes it’s prescription) to pretend that nothing is wrong with me.

    I’m starting this because my therapy has taught me to love to write again. My first lesson was to journal chapters of my life as I remember them. Then, I began to piece it all together. This helped me determine where things started. I suffered from a lack of self worth and low self esteem. I experienced severe depression and made questionable choices in relationships. I tried to fix people instead of addressing my own issues.

    One thing about burying anything, unless it’s me six feet deep, everything comes to the surface eventually.

    Imagine being 43 years old. You are stuck in learned patterns and shitty cycles. You do not fully realize why you do the things you do. However, they feel normal to you because it’s what you know. Imagine causing people to question their worth. They wonder about their standing in your life because you can’t snap out of the darkness. You struggle to love the way you know you can.

    One day, the person you love is sick of trying and walks away…and now I feel too many things. I have too many emotions and too many memories of the past. There are too many days of anger, sadness, guilt, and shame. Nostalgia fills some days, and sometimes I smile a genuine smile at a memory. These memories will never be tarnished by heartbreak or depression.

    I hope you’ll stay. I hope you’ll make it through my long-winded posts. Laugh a little with me to keep from crying.

    You will get a glimpse into everything I think or feel, and not in chronological order either. Mainly because I have done a great job at forgetting things to protect my inner child.

    Welcome to my world. Just a lesbian on a healing journey that looks messy, but necessary. And yes I have to throw out that I’m a lesbian, that’s part of my problem…but you’ll see.